Last night, BF and I were fighting and I just needed to get out of here. I got my shit together, went outside, and then I sat in the car for a half hour and just cried into the steering wheel; I didn't have enough gas to go anywhere.
I've been a royal mess. I've been crying at everything. I've been irritable, weepy, and just sad. I'm hoping that I'm premenstrual. If not I'm just an insane bitch.
It's not as if I have nothing to be upset about. All of this stem cell crap is really freaking heavy. BF doesn't get it. He says that I'm getting what I wanted and I should be happy and excited that it's happening. He says I'm just wasting time be being upset or worrying about the outcome. He just doesn't get it and apparently nothing I can say is going to make him get it.
It's isolating and incredibly frustrating. I feel like I have all these people around me, but I'm all alone with the reality of all of this.
I just hope I get my damn period this week. Then I can go from PMS to artificially injecting myself with fertility drugs that will do god-knows-what to my mood.
Ugh. I just want to get this crap started already so that I don't have to think about it and be scared/anxious/excited/nervous all of the time. I won't have to feel guilty about not going out or doing the laundry or any of the myriad other things that BF wants me to do now and then gets frustrated with me when I can't. I'll look sick. For some reason, whether they know that you're sick or not, people are reluctant to give you permission to be sick unless you look it. You don't get freedom from the eye rolling and sighs that imply that you really could be doing whatever it is they want you to do, but you just won't. Well, after the chemo there will be no denying that I look sick. Maybe then I can get a break from feeling like a massive disappointment.