I'm feeling so down, blue, depressed, dejected, rejected, isolated, trapped. Sick of it all and wishing that I could just stop being me for a while.
I don't even want to get into the stupidness of why I feel so down I guess I just want BF to be so conditional with his love. I wish I could understand what he is thinking, but he doesn't even talk to me anymore. No smiles. No kisses. Nothing.
No one understands where I'm coming from. The pain. The disappointment. The emptiness. The loss. And then I don't get any emotional support at home, not one arm to pull me close and just hold me. I fell down a couple of weeks ago and took the full force of the fall on my knees and straight up through my torso both knees were badly bruised, but my hip was the concern and it took it pretty bad. BF totally sat by my feet and helped me ice my knees and I was ( painfully) up and walking a few minutes later and I took it easy for for the rest of the night. By a couple days later, I still was in pain, both in my knee and in my hip and not up to carrying laundry baskets across the house. And instead of asking me what's wrong, he gets loud and rude and accusatory and acts like that's my job and I'm on deadline.he doesn't give a damn how bad I'm hurting. He never asks me how I feel, because I'm never in no pain and he doesn't want to hear that
I'm alone all goddamned day. I can't go anywhere because of my foot that's not getting any better. I can use my scooter to get some places, but not when it's icy cold out like this and not when it's in the garage or the back of BF's car.
I worry and stress and try to wrap my mind around what we can do for LM. His school should be testing very soon to figure out which little box he fits in, as if anyone actually fits in one of those boxes. After they get those done we might be able to get real help in school to make things run more smoothly. He's got major anger and defiance issues at home and at school. He's injured and threatened to injure kids. He lies so much that you can't believe anything he says and that's ridiculous. You'd think that we're his parents, we know him well enough to tell; NOPE he's got us totally snowed. So now I just have to believe anything that the teacher (who we hate) sends home about his behavior.
I wish I understood where all of this anger is coming from...it's so sad for me that this sweet boy with this great personality and gallons of energy is burdened with these emotions that are just so out of control. So I try to spend as much time as I can while we together enjoying him, because I do love him more than I ever thought that I could. There's a little sunshine in my day :)