Today Kicked My Ass. Of course so did yesterday. In fact yesterday was downright disheartening. BF and I took a trip to Home Depot to buy my dad's Father's Day gift and after less than 15 minutes in the store I was exhausted. I got a drink and had to wait on a pile of dry wall outside for BF to bring the car around because I couldn't walk to the car. Then we went to Target...that sucked as well. I had to find places to sit down like three times during our 20 minutes excursion for some basic Target crap. I was beat by the time we got home and pretty much vegged out on the couch for the rest of the day. The little man was a nice pick-me-up when his mom dropped him off; he always lifts my spirits, especially when he comes home on Saturday. He comes in and snuggles and tells me how he's going to make me feel better with hugs and kisses, which of course makes me feel much better, even if it's just emotionally.
But despite feeling like crap, I really wanted to make this Father's Day special for BF. First off, he's an awesome dad. I wish everyone got to see the cut away intimate view that I get to see of him and the little man together. The little man loves his dad soooo much and it's not just because he's his spawn, BF adores that little boy and he devotes himself to him as much as he possibly could. He's also an exceptional boyfriend, friend, lover, partner, and person. So I thought he deserved a special day.
I woke up early, before either of the guys were up; glanced around the kitchen and found that the cupboards were bare, so I went to the grocery store and picked up a bunch of breakfast stuff. I got home at about quarter to ten and woke The little man up to have him decorate the envelope of the Father's Day card I'd picked up for him. He drew on it a bit and helped me write "Daddy" on the front, but he was anxious to go wake his dad up and give it to him. So I grabbed a plate, a couple of crumb doughnuts, and a big glass of BF's favorite orange juice and lead the little guy in to wake up his dad.
I had already given him my gift; a coupon (they don't make gift certificates) for him to design and order a pair or shoes that he's been eying for months now - he really liked it; I was thrilled. Last week I had also spent a good deal of time putting together a present for The little man to give his dad; I took all of the great pictures that I had of The little man and of us with The little man and put together a calendar so that BF will always have pictures of The little man for his desk at work - the kid's too cute not to show off, but BF is a very private person when it comes to our home life and he never brings in pictures. So The little man brought his dad the calendar and they sat in bed and cuddled and ate doughnuts and were so freakin' cute. While they did that, I whipped up some pancakes and bacon. I had bought his favorite thick-cut bacon and some real organic maple syrup. After the boys had cuddled for a bit, BF and I ate our pancakes and the little man had a yogurt tube and half a slice of bacon - a stretch for him as he usually wouldn't touch the bacon.
BF seemed blown away that I'd done so much, especially being in the physical condition that I am and I was really proud to have been able to make his morning special and feel productive for the first time in weeks. After breakfast we all hung out on the couch, cuddled and chatted, while BF checked out the websites for creating his new shoes. The little man took off all of his clothes after using the potty totally unprompted (Score!) and sat on my lap wrapped up in his favorite blue fuzzy blanket. I love Sunday mornings; we all just get to be together and love each other and enjoy having nothing to do.
The little man went down for a nap at 12:30, but didn't actually go to sleep until 2:30, when BF informed me that while he was taking the ribs out to the grill (more on the ribs later) he had heard The little man babbling away in his room. Getting him to nap has always been my thing, I don't know how it became my thing, probably because I can be firm and still loving and I'm not quite as charm-permeable as BF can be; The little man doesn't try any cutesy crap when I come in and he knows he's supposed to be napping. So I went in and told him that he had to nap so that we could go over to my dad's that afternoon, which he was really looking forward to, I tucked him back into bed (he was upside down and he had his feet up on the bed rail). I told him that I'd be back in fifteen minutes and I expected him to be asleep and when I came back and peeked in ten minutes later he was fast asleep; he's an awesome kid, he's always amazing me.
So while he napped and BF finished off the amazing spare ribs that he grilled up to bring to the Father's Day barbecue, I took a nap myself as I could barely keep my eyes open. When BF woke me up at 4:30, we all got dressed and got all of our stuff together and drove over to my dad's new house for a nice big family barbecue. My step-mom's whole family was there and it was great. They're all really warm and welcoming and friendly and they just feel like family already, in fact they felt like family the first time I met them. It amazes me sometimes how much things have changed for the better in my life over the last two and a half years. Even with all of this health crap and losing my job, being unable to work, struggling through school, and trying to build a family while feeling like dirt, I still have such a wonderfully full life. The people that surround me are just so very loving and supportive that I can't even believe it sometimes.
We had a great time and ended up staying past the little man's bedtime - par for the course when hanging out with my dad, Amy and Tyler. It was really nice though, I'm getting to know my new step-siblings, whom I don't really like to refer to as step at all, I mean they call my dad "Dad", and Amy is like this instantly great friend and role model all in one...They don't feel like a step-family, they feel like a family. So we're getting closer and closer and it makes me incredibly happy to see us all coming together, to hear my dad saying things about considering himself a grandfather at this point, to hear The little man ask a million questions about when we'll be seeing Amy and if he can kiss her and play with her and he follows her around like a puppy...it's adorable and really heartwarming, especially if I end up not having children of my own, to know that my parents will still have a grandchild, a little man who adores them and trusts them and really loves them.
At the end of the night we came home and the little man went right to bed after reading his favorite book about Tonka trucks. I, of course, had pushed myself too hard and had a migraine and ached all over by the time I hit the couch. I took some painkillers, a fever reducer, muscle relaxers and an anti-anxiety pill and have been crashed out on the couch trying to feel like I'm not on fire (I've been running a fever on and off since I've been home from the hospital) and not in pain for about four hours now...I think it's just going to take sleep, but the migraine's gone, which is a good thing because if I fall asleep with one I'll probably wake up with it and I've got to be up and alert so that The little man and I can work on our numbers tomorrow morning!
So, goodnight all! Hopefully this was a nicer thing to read than the last two depressing-as-hell pieces. I'm trying to just take each day as it comes and make the most out of everything. I have an appointment with my pulmonary hypertension specialist on the 26th, and hopefully he'll be able to tell me more about where I am with this disease, where it's going, and what the plan is for keeping me around for another fifty happy years.