So I've been home for almost two weeks now. Life is far easier in the hospital.
Here I have to live. There I could just lay in bed, take pain drugs and watch Lost.
And it's not as if my health is any better now. My lung still feels like there is a wet sponge inside of it, like the alveoli are coated in some sticky substance that the air must drag through before reaching my blood. Then there's the fucking pain. Yesterday everything seemed pretty much okay. This morning I was woken up by a pain below my sternum that...well it just fucking sucked. And I hate being drugged all the time, but I don't see any other way that I can be anything other than a totally miserable human being. Like right now. I'm having pain in my left lung and I'm ridiculously sad, but I don't want to take Adavant and Oxycontin and be a zombie when BF gets home from dropping off the little man. I want to be an active member of the big giant game of life again. I really want to add "fucking" as an adjective before pretty much everything.
Situational depression is the clinical term. As in "your Wellbutrin isn't going to do a goddamn thing because you should be sad". I'm almost out of Adavant. It makes me feel nothing but the desire to sleep. Sometimes that's the more desirable state.
God, I'm sorry, I must be so fucking depressing to read right now. I just can't seem to get out of this hole this week. And I have a whole bunch of things to be happy about. I'm going to see all of my absolute favorite bands in the next two months. Pearl Jam twice this week. Ani DiFranco in early July. And then Nine Inch Nails in August. I'm head over fucking heels in love. We have an adorable little man who loves me to death, who I love as my own, that lives with us half of the time, cuddles with me, announces that he likes me spontaneously. I'm getting a brand new little sibling at the end of the summer. An amazing new person to love and increase the size of my already amazing, huge family.
I feel so fucking ungrateful. I wish I could change how I feel. I wish I could just be happy, but this pulmonary hypertension shit is like wearing a lodestone. I feel like such an asshole for being so miserable...I can only imagine what it's like to have to live with someone like me right now...Poor BF!