When I was a teenager I was surrounded by friends. They were mostly of the outcast, drinking, and smoking variety, ungrounded, no jobs or big ambitions. Thats not to say that a few of us went on to bigger and better things, but some of them barely made it out of high school. So there are a couple of things that started to distance us. The first was the death of my best friend Colin. Sitting around, smoking pot, talking about bullshit just started feeling empty with out him there; it felt wrong somehow. Then there was college. My free time disappeared. I hardly had anytime with my BF and the little man, let alone time to just veg out, smoke pot, and watch tv. And after college, well after college I got sick as hell. The PAH was diagnosed, my lung capacity crashed. That year I wasn't up to reconnecting with anyone, and then the next year we had this whole six month hospitalization hell.
So now here I am. Things are starting to look up. Despite the chemo fatigue, I'm driving again, I'm going out, I'm even gardening. But I'm lonely. I have my BF, and he's pretty much my everything. He's been gone since yesterday morning, off to Milwaukee to by a new motorcycle (one I can ride on this time!) and without him here it occurs to me that I've go nothing to do. I'm still in touch with a couple of girls, just by phone and email, i miss 'em. It's just hard to try to reestablish relationships knowing that I may have to reschedule six times, or just cancel all together or get sick in the middle of being out and having to cut out early.
It never occurred to me when I was well that any of this could happen. That I'd get sick. That I'd lose my friends. That I'd become so dependent. This doesn't feel like me anymore.