When I was a teenager I was surrounded by friends. They were mostly of the outcast, drinking, and smoking variety, ungrounded, no jobs or big ambitions. Thats not to say that a few of us went on to bigger and better things, but some of them barely made it out of high school. So there are a couple of things that started to distance us. The first was the death of my best friend Colin. Sitting around, smoking pot, talking about bullshit just started feeling empty with out him there; it felt wrong somehow. Then there was college. My free time disappeared. I hardly had anytime with my BF and the little man, let alone time to just veg out, smoke pot, and watch tv. And after college, well after college I got sick as hell. The PAH was diagnosed, my lung capacity crashed. That year I wasn't up to reconnecting with anyone, and then the next year we had this whole six month hospitalization hell.

So now here I am. Things are starting to look up. Despite the chemo fatigue, I'm driving again, I'm going out, I'm even gardening. But I'm lonely. I have my BF, and he's pretty much my everything. He's been gone since yesterday morning, off to Milwaukee to by a new motorcycle (one I can ride on this time!) and without him here it occurs to me that I've go nothing to do. I'm still in touch with a couple of girls, just by phone and email, i miss 'em. It's just hard to try to reestablish relationships knowing that I may have to reschedule six times, or just cancel all together or get sick in the middle of being out and having to cut out early.

It never occurred to me when I was well that any of this could happen. That I'd get sick. That I'd lose my friends. That I'd become so dependent. This doesn't feel like me anymore.


  1. I am fairly certain that the only people who take being well for granted are those who aren't sick.
    Change is inevitable. Adapting to change can get tricky.
    However, anyone who knows you and loves you can attest to your remarkeable ability to fiind your way.
    Keep in mind that - with or without your spoons - you are loved.

  2. And I am fairly certain that even if you didn't get sick, you and your friends would have drifted apart. It's a phase. We tend to drift in and out of peoples lives - it's just what happens. People get engrossed in their own lives and schedules. Your mom, Nancy, Nora and I have been drifting in and out for 30 years! We have been trying to get a couple of hours together for months now. We have all been trying but can't seem to make it happen. But, we keep trying. Keep making plans, sending emails, talking on the phone. Every once in a while we get to hang out. Last week I spent the day with your mom and it was the best day I have had in a long time. Keep at it Rachel - call, email, cut it short and reschedule if you have to -but keep in touch - it's hard but it's worth it!