Last night almost ended well. I told him that the decision to not get my pills was a dumb one, but that I'd been under pressure and hadn't had time to think it through. This turned into a second fight about how I fail to take responsibility when I screw up. We spent the rest of the night reading and went to sleep without another word.

We spent another half an hour arguing this afternoon and then ignored each other for a while. I just didn't have any more fight left. I suggested we go out and eat before his Xbox 360 session with his friends. He didn't have any objections, so we headed down to the local casual dining establishment and sat down.

We ordered, made small talk, went over plans for the upcoming holidays and a probable trip to Williamsburg, Va. next month, nothing especially deep or emotional. We never fight for long; for this one to last through to this afternoon made it a particularly long one. I apologized for screwing up yet another one of his birthdays (I don't have the greatest track record, but I always make up for it to some degree). He listened and it just got better.

I still stand by the fact that I don't have a lot of control over my life, but this is one thing I could've made happen right. And it sucks that his birthday being a success or failure is entirely my responsibility, while he shares the responsibility for mine with my family, but he doesn't have local family, I'm it. So this one's up to me and I've just got to suck that one up.

It's not the same with everything else we argue about. I still maintain that I can not be the primary person responsible for making sure the house is tidy and that there are clean dishes and laundry. I cannot control my illnesses and what's going to be a problem at any particular time. I cannot control the speed at which my doctors attend to their messages or whether their staffs and my insurance company work together for an outcome that is beneficial to me. But I do resolve to control what I can when I can and to stretch myself thin just to make him feel happy and appreciated because he is my best friend and the love of my life and because he does the same for me. Maybe not stretching himself thin, but it's as much his fault that he's not sick as it is my fault that I am.

We've still got a lot of bumps to get over and I'm not saying that from here on out it'll be any easier, but we've been through five years of hard times and we've stayed together through all of them and now we've got a great therapist and we're both ready and willing to work to make this better for both of us, to realize the future that we know we love each other hard enough to achieve.

So that's it, just figured I ought to give you all the rest of the story.

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