Some days...

Some days I just can't manage to keep it together.

Some days I feel like I'm drowning.  Trying my hardest to fight back an onslaught on tears that wouldn't accomplish anything.  

I'm alone.  No one gets it.  There's no one who can hold me and tell me that everything's going to be okay because it won't.  The words would be about as effective as my tears.  

I want answers.  I want my life back.  I want my friends back.  I don't know how to go on living like this.  

I crave some sense of purpose with every ounce of my being.  I can't stand the feelings of uselessness, of nothingness.  

And it just keeps running through my head that it's unfair.  Really fucking unfair.  That I never got a chance to be who I was becoming before this...this thing...took over, derailing my life.  Derailing Me.  I don't know who this new person is.  I don't know what she's supposed to do with her life or what her reason for being is.

I know how pointless it is to rage against the intangibly unfair.  I know that it doesn't do one damned bit of good.  I just don't know what I could be doing differently.

I can't exist to sit on the couch, watch tv, re-read the same books...

I need more.  I need a reason to wake up.  I feel like I'm desperately clinging to the few threads of my life that remain.  I'm scrambling in a desperate attempt to keep it together.  

I can't live like this.

1 comment:

  1. When I had to quit teaching, the one thing that kept me busy at that time was finishing grad school, despite the fact that I couldn't use my degree in the way I wanted to anymore. After grad school, I kept thinking and wondering what the heck my purpose was to be here, since I could no longer teach. It took me a really long time to realize, after being approached to start a PH support group in my area, that part of my purpose is to be support to PHers. Everyone is here for a reason. Sometimes it just takes so darn long to realize what the reason is all about. I'm sorry that you are feeling all these emotions. I really do understand how you feel. I can only hope that things will get better for you. *HUGS*