Stagnation is THE most boring nation.

Our couch is soon going to have a permanent groove in it where my ass has been, day in and day out for the last two months.  I try to keep a happy face on about this.  Try to downplay how depressing it is to be me right now.  Not just downplay how depressed I am, but really to not think about all of the things that I loathe about myself and the way I live right now.  

I have no job or prospects.  I have a degree that I cannot now and may never be able to use.  I have no friends outside of BF and my immediate family.  I don't have anything to talk about besides my medical situation, and that's gonna make it hard to make any friends in real life.  Friends I can go out and have coffee with or see a movie or just sit around the house and talk to.  But I have nothing to talk about.  I have no hobbies.  No interests besides sucking down books at a more rapid pace than I ever have in my life.  I don't have a reason to leave the house unless I have a doctors appointment or a test, or BF needs to go somewhere, or I'm going to one of my parents' houses.  I'm twenty-four years old and my parents have become my only social outlet.  I love them and love spending time with them, but I long so much for someone that I can relate to.  I just have so much trouble making friends in the first place and all the friends I have acquired previously have either abandoned our friendships or moved away.  

Having nothing to look forward to in your life on a regular basis is definitely not the way to crawl out from under depression.  But up until now I just couldn't deal with that part of it.  My antidepressant still hasn't been okayed by my insurance company; my therapist double-booked my last appointment and was late on top of it so I left; my psychiatrist is on vacation for the whole month of August and apparently that started a week early; their receptionist is a rude bitch - hence I'm looking for some new mental health professionals.  But in the meantime, I've finally gotten to the point where I still feel like shit, but I don't feel like breaking down into tears every time I or someone else say the wrong thing and the pregnant mannequins don't make me want to punch them quite so much these days.  So I think I've progressed to the point that I could make some friends and get out of the house from time to time.  

The problem is, I don't know how to make new friends; you know the ones that actually stick around, the kind of friends I need right now.  I'm not looking for a counselor or a comforter or someone to bitch to, on the contrary I'm looking for someone that I can talk to about anything but PAH, SLE, MCTD, FMS or any of the other stupid fucking acronyms crowding my life and my head.  And most of all I need someone that can at least try to understand that my rescheduling and canceling at the last minute and not always being so chatty because there's a stabbing pain somewhere in my body is not any reflection on how I feel about their friendship.  It's a hard thing to get, I know that - it's why I don't have friends now.

So I've settled on driving the fifteen minutes it takes to get from here to the nearest Unitarian Church tomorrow.  I don't expect miracles (pardon the pun).  I just hope that I can find myself again while finding a community for that self.  I'm not religious; in fact I hate religious doctrine with a fervor.  That's what appeals to me about this church.  They welcome everyone from Christians to Buddhists to Atheists with open arms and the sermons are focused learning about life and how to live the best life that we can.  That works for me.  Maybe I'll find some friends, maybe I won't and I'll just find something uplifting to do once a week.  Maybe it will help heal this hole in my chest that I just can't seem to fill.  I'm lost.  I had a dream and a path and in one day I was knocked completely from it; everything changed.  Now I feel like I don't know who I am, where I'm going, or even what I want to do.  I've seen the power that churches can have to bring a life back from desperation and despair, all signs seem to point to me needing to seek out some kind of spiritual guidance.  It's also been my experience that people who devote their time to the church and who actively seek out the church that fits them are the kind of compassionate, thoughtful, liberal, interesting people that I'd like to become friends with.  So I'll try to kill two birds with one church.

Hey maybe I can even find someone there who can get me a job! :)

1 comment:

  1. Hello Rachel. I hope you found at least some of what you are looking for at church today. You know, you and I have quite a bit in common.Feel free to email me if you'd like some cheap guidance and suggestions. ;)