::Sniff::

So I had my right heart cath last week. My pulmonary arterial pressure has decreased "significantly." I'm not really sure what that means yet because I have the results from this one, but I don't have the results from the previous one. I see the pulmonologist again next Thursday, so I'll have more information then.

I'm just having lots and lots of tests right now. I had a pre-BMT dental evaluation today, just to make sure that my gums and teeth aren't harboring any bacteria that could come out later on. I also have to have a mammogram, a pelvic exam, a CT of my chest, abdomen and pelvis, and a MUGA scan to evaluate my left ventricular function. That's all in addition to the thirty or so different blood tests that I had done today.

There's not enough to do though. I never thought I'd say that, but I wish that I had far less free time. It's really starting to hit home that this is happening. I've been tearing up left and right. It sucks. We were out tonight picking up a book for my upcoming college algebra CLEP exam and we stopped in DSW to look at some boots for BF - he just got a motorcycle and apparently there is a lot of other crap that you need to buy to wear while riding them. Who knew? So while we were there I made my way over to the sea of sandals. I found a really cute pair of leather sandals and BF came over and picked out a couple more pairs for me to try on (he likes to pick out my clothes and he's pretty damn good at it). Two pairs in, I had to stop him and tell him it was time to go. I really wanted to cry and I felt ridiculous looking at sandals. I'm not going to have any reason to buy a new pair of sandals this summer, let alone a pair of designer sandals (no matter how good the sale).

It's not just little things getting to me. The really big ones are hitting home too. Death. Massive systemic infection. Months of isolation. Chicken pox.

It seems to be harder now that it's gorgeous out. Spring has finally sprung in Philadelphia and I love it. And that makes me more sad. I've started thinking about all of the things that I want to do now that it's warm out, all of that great summer stuff like going to the zoo and down the shore, playing mini-golf, riding roller coasters and swimming in the pool that's just a few yards from my door. It's really hitting home that all of that's going to be off limits this year, that once I go in for that first round of chemo I'm going to be stuck sitting around the house until at least Christmas.

It's just sad. It'll be worth it (I hope) and I want to do it. I just can't help but be sad. And I hate getting all choked up like this. It accomplishes nothing. Worrying does nothing but waste time and crying is even worse. I just wish I didn't have so much time to waste with worry. I thought I was going to do the therapy thing, but I just don't feel like that helps with any of this. These aren't issues that I can work through mentally. The only thin that's going to make all of this okay is time. One day this will all just be over and I won't have to think about it, but for now I guess I just have to deal with this great big mess of emotions.